Friday, December 28, 2012

Surviving the Zombie War, Part 5

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.



There are two elements regarding supplies that come into play as the Zombie War begins. First, there is the matter of what you can take with you. Second, there is the matter of where to acquire it.

Since the apocalypse will happen without warning, most of what you will take with you will come from what you already have on hand. That makes it a good idea to be as prepared as possible. Where this is not feasible, it’s a good idea to know where to go for any supplies you may not have with you already.

Take Your Jacket.
If you’re not sure where you’re going, take your coat. This is a pretty good adventuring rule. But don’t go overboard. If it’s 100 degrees out and you’re wearing your coat, you’re not prepared. You’re just a weirdo.

In most climates, there’s going to be good weather and bad weather. But the point is, when you leave the house, pretend you’re leaving it for the last time.

Take a backpack.
If you get a call in the middle of the night, and you don’t know where you’re headed and you’re going on a trip that goes through a bunch of country back roads and you’re not sure if you might end up in cold weather or something, take a bunch of useful stuff with you. The jacket being the most useful of all stuff, because it’s a pretty practical item.

Have an “Oh crap” bag already packed. If someone tells you you have to leave tonight, no questions, have a bag packed that you can just grab:

“Got it! It’s got a cross, silver bullets, Rambo knife…”

That’s where the jacket rule comes in, because you may or may not be able to have a bag with you. You can fit all kinds of stuff in the pockets of a jacket. Having your jacket with you on the night the Shit goes down could mean the difference between living and dying.

Keep your trunk stocked.
You may or may not be in your car when it happens, but if you are you could potentially have any number of useful items available.

·        Water and freeze-dried food (military MRE’s are best).
·        Toilet paper (survival’s not your only concern).
·        SCUBA gear.
·        Mountain climbing gear (ropes and chains are always good for something).
·        A fully packed suitcase.
·        A high-powered Mag Lite.
·        A hurricane radio.
·        A First Aid kit.
·        A tent.
·        A towel (you should always have a towel).
·        An inflatable raft.

Because let’s face it: If you’re ever in a situation where someone says “if only we had an inflatable raft!” and you can produce one, you will officially become the coolest person ever.

Don’t let people see the inside of your trunk if you follow this advice, because they’ll think you’re a serial killer or something.

Carry useful items with you at all times.
If you can’t get away in the car with a trunkful of goodies, then try to keep as many normal useful things in your pocket as you can.

Immediate mobilization is the key to your survival when the unexpected happens, so keep odd bits in your pockets that could help out:

·        A pocket knife.
·        Some kind of universal tool (like a Gerber).
·        Disposable lighter (you’re going to want to take a Zippo, but the fluid lasts longer in a disposable).
·        Waterproof strike anywhere matches if you can get them.
·        A pocket LED light.

There’s also a lot of stuff you can keep in a jacket:

·        Flashlight.
·        Flask (or canteen, if you prefer).
·        Journal or camcorder (for keeping an account of how it all ends).
·        Gloves.
·        Pocket handkerchief.
·        Super glue.
·        Sewing kit.
·        At least one stapler.

This is really the ultimate example of the Boy Scout code: Be prepared for anything. Who knows? If having a pocket knife in your back pocket could save your life, wouldn’t you want to do that? And that’s not a weird thing to have to explain to people, except at an airport.

You need to embrace that inner MacGyver. Give him some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, and that man was good to go back in the early days.

Don’t overburden yourself.
Don’t carry too much of any of these things if you’re on the move. Plan your travels around seeking them out, but carrying too many survival supplies can be detrimental to survival. Evading zombies is the top priority.

No looting and no trespassing.
Abandoned stores will either be picked clean or they won’t be abandoned long. Learn to strike up trade or find supplies elsewhere. Don’t go walking into a house just because it looks abandoned. People won’t think twice about killing intruders.

Keep a bunker stocked.
If you really want to be prepared, buy a hunting cabin off in the woods somewhere that only you know about. Then stock it with non-perishable supplies. Bottled water is good, but access to a well would be nice too. I’d stock bottled water in case the well gets tainted somehow, though.

As far as food, freeze-dried food is good, but I think the vitamin store is the best source of post-apocalyptic cuisine. The right vitamins and protein supplements are easily stored, easily transported, last virtually forever and can nourish you for a very long time.

JUST REMEMBER: A bunker can be overrun by zombies or discovered by marauders. Remember that most zombie movies are about people shacking up in the first place they find, which is almost always somewhere that none of them own.

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