Dark Crazy

Johnny Drama Award: Michael Pare'

2012-02-26T19:33:00.000-05:00

Michael Pare’started out as one of Ralph Hinkley’s (Hanley’s?) sweathogs in the “Greatest American Hero”, then went on to star in films like “Streets of Fire”, “The Philadelphia Experiment” and “Eddie and the Cruisers”. He also starred in the fun scifi thriller “Moon 44” and the short-lived “Starhunter” series.

He was the werewolf in “Bad Moon”, which is mostly memorable because the dog saves the day. Like a lot of Johnny Drama’s, he’s as fun to see as a bad guy as he is when he’s playing a good guy, but no matter what the role the movie’s usually a lot more fun when he’s in it.

The Dolph Report: Direct Action/Retrograde/Direct Contact Triple Feature

2012-02-26T06:18:00.000-05:00

Bought this triple feature DVD set on Amazon, and I would say it was a good deal. Here's an overview:

Direct Action

This is another Sydney J. Furie directed Dolph flick. I think these two make a pretty good team. In this one Dolph is a supercop fighting corruption in a Rampart-style strike team. It's got a lot of fun 80's kind of action and has a classic buddy cop movie style. The opening sequence is classic cool too.

Retrograde

This one is a little disappointing. It's a Twelve Monkeys sort of scifi where Dolph is a soldier from the future who travels back in time to stop a plague from ravaging the Earth. Aside from co-starring Gary Daniels (who is egregiously underused here), this movie relies too much on crappy science fiction elements than it does on action. It takes place on an icebreaker in the arctic, which is kind of cool, but it's a little too much running around with dumb bad guys for my taste.

Direct Contact

This one's not bad, but it's saving grace is the fact that the bad guy is Michael Pare'. This doesn't amount to much, but it does end in a nice fight and a fairly awesome death scene.

These are all three watchable, but I think Direct Action is the real winner. Either way, it's a good deal for the price. I think I bought it for under ten bucks.

Johnny Drama Award: Robert Z'dar

2012-02-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

Robert Z'dar is a Johnny Drama of the first order. Not only was he a reigning horror bad guy in the "Maniac Cop" franchise, but he also reprised the the role of Sam Hell (originated by Roddy Piper) in the "Frogtown 2", a worthy if weird sequel to "Hell Comes to Frogtown" in which Hell is now the captain of a squad of rocket rangers.

Z'dar has appeared in a number of awesome B movies including "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time" (co-starring fellow Johnny Drama's Marc Singer, Wings Hauser and Kari Wuhrer) and in more mainstream action flicks like "Tango & Cash" (which turned out to be a celebration of B movie greats, including Clint Howard, Michael J. Pollard and Brion James).

Movie From the Vault - The Dead Pit

2012-02-19T21:27:00.001-05:00

Brett Leonard is most memorable for "The Lawnmower Man", which was considered groundbreaking for its stylish use of CG FX, but later turned out disappointments like "Virtuosity" and "Hideaway" and is now more often seen making B movie crap like "Man-Thing" and "Highlander: The Source". But before all that he got his start with a little gem called "The Dead Pit".

I remember seeing the box for this in the video store because the cover was presented in relief and with the hit of a button the eyes of the zombie would blink. I'd actually like to get hold of one of those if I can find one.

So anyway, in the movie an evil doctor is doing Satanic experiments on his patients for no reason and to no apparent benefit until he's finally killed and trapped (not sure why that's necessary after he's dead) in the dead pit beneath the hospital where he conducts his experiments. Enter: Jane Doe, a semi-psychic amnesiac who's institutionalized with the dangerously demented because she can't remember who she is. After an earthquake that may or may not have been caused by a psychic sissy fit, suddenly the doorway to the dead pit is re-opened and all the dead people magically come back as zombies.

This movie has all the fun 80's conventions, including Jane Doe's predilection for running around in her panties and occasionally getting her T-shirt hosed off. Lots of fun payoff and silliness for admirers of this era's alternative cinema. CG may have been Leonard's claim to fame later on, but it may also be what held him back. This was a really fun guts and gore flick, and I don't think he's made anything quite like it since.

Dear Mediafire...

2012-02-14T20:16:00.001-05:00

STOP FLAGGING MY ACCOUNT FOR DELETION! I use it all the time. I was just in it. I'm in it a lot. I'm in it all the time. But you constantly threaten to delete it.

Most of the internet is built on free services, which is why I put up with your constant cut-rate popup ads without complaint. You don't hear Google bitching about how I search for things for free, but you are always on me about my free mediafire account no matter how often I sign in, which is pretty often.

I guess free users aren't worth anything to you, but if that's true don't offer free services. But stop harassing me about my account. I use it all the time, but you constantly act like I don't. If you don't want me to use the free service anymore, just say so. Otherwise leave me alone. If you flag my account for deletion one more time, I'll drop it myself.

Chronicle

2012-02-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

I like this movie. Applying the Cloverfield style to a superhero story is an interesting concept, and for the most part I think they handled the POV really well. It goes overboard by the end, but it works okay. The main character is obsessed with filming himself, so that becomes part of the POV element. There's a really interesting device in that he uses his super powers to control the camera, so when you see a camera move that would make you suspicious in another POV movie it's actually kind of creepy here because you know the camera is moving because he's making it move.

It's also interesting because it doesn't have a "found footage" premise where we're supposed to believe that the government or a reporter or somebody has recovered and assembled all this footage. It's just told through the perspective of these personal devices to give the story a more claustrophobic feel and an organic sense of pacing. It becomes a statement on the YouTube generation, the way we see things now. It also reflects the characters, who mostly fail to grasp the power they've been given. At one point one of them suggests doing more with them. They're literally just using their powers to skip stones across a pond and the other one's like "what more could we do?" It feels real, just like how they begin using their powers to play pranks and later to impress girls.

The story itself is fairly predictable and turns out about as you'd expect. It ends (SPOILER ALERT) with basically an Akira-style finale that shifts POV from one device to another so often that the POV concept kind of falls apart.

But the story is believable and the characters are relatable. I think the movie's good throughout even when the POV concept falters, and it's a fun sort of take on what superheroes in a real world would be like.

The River

2012-02-11T17:27:00.000-05:00

Everyone's been trying to be the next LOST since it went off the air. The LOST gap has brought a lot of contenders, mostly people just making shows that are weird and mysterious but ultimately make no sense.

The latest contender is "The River", a found footage series about a TV crew looking for a missing explorer. I thought the idea of doing a found footage TV series was neat, but the concept is so poorly executed here that they shouldn't have even bothered. On a boat where hardly anything is working they seem have hi-def cameras and pitch perfect audio all over the place. It never has that claustrophobic POV that makes this format work, but it does have a lot of the requisite scenes of professional cameramen running around shaking their cameras for no reason. The cinematography is mostly straightforward, punctuated occasionally with shots borrowed from every other POV movie ever made.

It seems weird to call something amateurish for its inability to mimic amateur filmmaking, but it's so badly done that it manages not to work on multiple levels. They fuzzy up the footage with bad filters when they should have just used lower quality cameras or shot in the same style at least. It would have worked to just use a reality TV crew and shoot that way, but they insist on blocking and filming it like any other show. They incorporate the classic elements like subtitling dialogue during tense moments, but since they insist on perfect sound design it doesn't make sense because you can always hear exactly what everyone is saying.

It's usually more effective to cast unknowns in a found footage production so that the concept is more credible, but this show's populated with familiar faces. They also sidestep the POV concept when they want to show something cool (like a sweeping pull away wide shot of the entire jungle or ghost images of Bruce Greenwood as he possesses one of the other characters).

The story is fun, but it doesn't really work either. They eventually come across the original tapes, but they never seem that interested in them when you'd think that would be the first thing they'd want to see when they find the boat.

Then they release some kind of ghost/demon/animal/guy from a magic rock that is supposedly going to hunt them but mostly just stays in the bushes rattling branches creepily. Then there's a business with dolls and magic and the POV almost completely disappears. It's a shame because they're pretty good at putting together creepy shots, but they're never consistent with the POV style of the show.

The weirdness of the show is the basis of its appeal, but I see it being mildly interesting but getting dumber and dumber as the series progresses. The fundamental concept of the show already doesn't work, so it can only be an item of interest at this point. The story doesn't really matter, but that's pretty typical these days.

Underworld: Awakening

2012-02-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

For some reason I've seen all these movies in the theater even though they've never quite delivered the way I thought they should. Kate Beckinsale is great and the action is awesome, but these movies have always managed to be watchable without being memorable. I enjoyed the first one a lot, but I think they built Scott Speedman's character up too much, because he's had no contribution to the sequels even though they insist on including him.

SPOILER COMING UP...

This installment insists on involving Speedman's character even though I don't think he's in the movie at all. Brief glimpses of him at the beginning and end look like they were digitally created.

The story is kind of weak. It reminds me of "Ultraviolet", since it revolves around humans turning on vampires in their midst (sort of - in a lame twist this turns out to be a plot hatched by the lycans). It feels like any Milla movie, actually, with Beckinsale waking up naked in a lab and then having to ninja a bunch of bad guys to escape.

The movie is one exciting action sequence after another, but it'd make a better video game. The story doesn't really hold up under scrutiny and feels a little thrown together. The whole movie feels like an elaborate excuse to get Kate back in the suit. Even when she wakes up naked they have her outfit in a glass case for no reason.

It's not bad, but it's not particularly imaginative. I think the third installment may have been the best sequel just because it gave up on following the original story and just did a movie about vampires vs. werewolves in medieval times. I think I might rather see some more of that.

They could still make another of these, but if they do they need to find some new place for the characters to go instead of cooking up new ways to show Kate kicking people.

Real Steel

2012-02-03T17:29:00.000-05:00

I know I said this was Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots (and it is), but the formula gets to me. It's Rocky with robots, man. Who doesn't love an underdog story? I really enjoyed this movie for all the predictable elements I knew it would have. But it's good and it's fun and there's nothing wrong with that.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

2012-01-07T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is a fun new installment for the MI franchise, which has been kind of random and erratic from one movie to the next. I've liked them all with the exception of the second, because it never really felt like a Mission Impossible movie at all.

This one is not as clever as the third, which I thought was particularly good, but it's a lot of fun. It is essentially a re-hash of the first film in plot: the team goes on a mission that goes wrong, then turns out to be a setup and they have to go rogue to find out who did it. Ethan also risks selling sensitive military secrets to a supervillain in order to catch him, just like in the first movie. But the action is awesome and so over the top that it keeps you engaged. They go to so many exotic locales and have so many cool action set pieces that it's a James Bond-style action adventure.

This is in some ways a more direct follow-up to MI3, making it the first sequel that's not trying to reboot the franchise with a flashy new director at the helm. Brad Bird is better known for quality animated films than live action, but if you've seen "The Incredibles" you know that he's no stranger to awesome action adventure movies. With JJ Abrams producing this one is kind of a continuation of the vision they had for MI3, but it has its own look and feel.

I like that the emphasis was on a team working together rather than focusing solely on Tom Cruise, although someone should tell Cruise he's getting a little too old to be wearing such tight pants. Other than that he's great in the movie and the action, like I said, is just out of control. I hope this is a setup for more movies with this same team, which it seems to be.

Another Earth

2012-01-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you've heard of this one, but it hit my RADAR recently and I had to check it out. The basic premise is that a second identical Earth suddenly pops up near our own (and is apparently on a collision course with ours, judging from the fact that it's getting bigger throughout the movie).

But that is not the actual story. The actual story is about a girl trying to recover and redeem herself after a horrible car accident that robs a man of his family. The story is not about redemption, specifically, but the idea of a world where we may have made different choices and possibly avoided the mistakes we've made in this one.

The idea of the parallel Earth is a beautiful metaphor hanging over the story for the separate roads we might have taken and the possibilities they might offer. It's not just a neat idea, but it's the perfect usage of a science fiction device to progress the theme of the story. There's so little legitimate science fiction now (and the filmmakers would probably argue against that label in this film), but this is what it's supposed to be.

It's beautifully told and very authentic in its performances. I don't gravitate to indies as much these days because they're mostly cynical and depressing, but despite this movie's intense topic I didn't find it to be either of those things. I think this is a story of hope and I came away with that feeling at the end. Definitely one to watch.

Johnny Drama Award: Roddy Piper

2011-11-19T09:02:00.003-05:00

I love this guy. The only reason I haven’t mentioned him earlier is I thought it was obvious. Roddy Piper is best known (outside of wrestling) for his role in John Carpenter’s They Live, where he kicked more ass than he chewed bubble gum, particularly in an epic street fight with fellow Johnny Drama Keith David, which serves as the centerpiece of the film even though it’s mostly unnecessary. Roddy went on to appear in the Highlander, Robocop and Mortal Kombat TV shows and the modern classic Hell Comes to Frogtown.

Movie From the Vault - Rockula

2011-11-01T08:30:00.000-04:00

I keep posting this because the trailer's as funny as the movie. The voice-over guy sounds like the voice Trey Parker does to make fun of voice-over guys.

This movie stars 80's darling Dean Cameron as a mild-mannered vampire who actually just wants to be a musician. Classic.

Solomon Kane

2011-10-23T18:22:00.001-04:00

I saw the real trailer for "Solomon Kane" forever ago and thought "that looks cool", then kept an eye out for it for a while, then kind of forgot it. Then I saw this fake trailer on YouTube pretending it was a Van Helsing sequel and someone posted that this movie actually came out in 2009! What the hell? A search on Netflix revealed that it was not available there. A search on Amazon revealed only DVD's in Region 2. I managed to get hold of it by other means and discovered that it is actually a pretty cool movie.

I've only read a couple of Solomon Kane stories, so I don't know how faithful an adaptation it is, but apparently the filmmakers are fans of the original stories. It's certainly a better movie than Conan. It has fun action and an amazing cast (and actually has a big monster at the end, unlike a certain Cimmerian's recent movie). "Ironclad" came and went the same way and was also a really good movie. Why doesn't James Purefoy get the respect he deserves? He brings a solemn dignity and intensity to every role he takes on, but even when he's in movies that ought to be big they don't find the right audience. And what the hell happened to this movie?

Asteroids Do Concern Me Playthrough

2011-09-16T20:28:00.002-04:00

TVAMD Presents "Weird World Tour 2011, Part 1"

2011-08-13T16:10:00.002-04:00

TV Ate My Dinner sends Sean and Greg into Florida to look at weird things. In Part 1, Sean visits the Cult Fiction Con in Jacksonville, they shop for fruit, fireworks, and alligator heads and they prepare for their journey to the Coral Castle, the Skunk Ape Research Center, and the last space shuttle launch.

Cool Avengers poster

2011-08-07T08:52:00.002-04:00

DC's die cast new look

2011-08-05T19:55:00.000-04:00

Is it me, or are DC's characters wearing a lot of metal in the relaunch? Why is Superman wearing armor? And why is everyone wearing metal boots? Apparently in the relaunch the Earth begins losing mass and they have to fight a threat to universal gravitation. It's a sad day when Aquaman is leading the charge for wardrobe conservatism. He's the only one not wearing weighted boots and he's the only one who lives underwater, where you might actually need them.

New Superman: Underpants or No Underpants?

2011-08-04T17:22:00.002-04:00

Best Movie Line Ever

2011-07-31T07:18:00.001-04:00

Weird World Tour 2011!

2011-07-19T20:35:00.001-04:00

Just got back from the Weird World Tour 2011 (mostly just touring weird things in Florida). Saw the last space shuttle, visited the Skunk Ape Research Center, investigated the mysteries of the Coral Castle, and ate some Alien Fresh jerky. Videos and podcasts to follow with greater details, but for now check out this neat new logo!

VRON, Sean and Dane

2011-06-24T17:36:00.000-04:00

This is also at the Rail. Just hangin' out. I can't wait for St. Patrick's Day next year.

Game of Thrones

2011-06-23T18:22:00.002-04:00

Can't wait for season 2 of "Game of Thrones"? Just watch this until it comes back.

Gilberto and VRON

2011-06-10T16:32:00.000-04:00

Gilberto hanging at the Rail Pub in Savannah with his robot companion VRON

iPhone gets aggressive in new ad campaign

2011-06-04T08:43:00.003-04:00

Shark Attack (the drink)

2011-06-03T19:15:00.000-04:00

Here's something that's all rage these days down in the Low Country: The Shark Attack! It's basically vodka and pineapple with a splash of curacao and grenadine thrown in. As you know, I've always been a big fan of vodka and pineapple. This is just the next step. It was invented by the good folks at the Rail Pub, so you know it's good. More to follow on this subject, I guarantee it.

The C Word Part 3: Earlier...

2011-05-24T18:24:00.002-04:00

Finally a little payoff for your patience. In the 3rd segment of TV Ate My Dinner's 2009 Christmas epic, the boys raid Sean's parents' attic and explore his past, discovering some toy treasures along the way.

Final Destination 5

2011-05-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

I like how Tony Todd is back as the creepy coroner guy. They should just kill him and see what that does. This series is like scream; it exhausted the idea by the end of the first film. I like the elaborate death scenes because this is one of the few horror franchises that celebrates mindless gores. It's one of the only horror franchises at all, really, you almost never see a series make it to 5. I think they should just embrace it and do what all great franchises do: Make one of these movies in outer space.

Or maybe they could to a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Chucky vs. Death crossover. I'd pay money to see Freddy, Jason and Chucky all living in an apartment trying not to succumb to horrible domestic accidents. They've all cheated death on numerous occasions. Jason could trip on a wet floor sign and fall on his own machete, Freddy could swat a mosquito and put his eyes out with his finger knives, and Chucky could accidentally flush himself down the toilet. You could also bring Ash into it if you wanted, but he's already being constantly stalked by death and self dismemberment so you might not notice the difference.

The C Word Part 2: Tradition

2011-05-08T13:31:00.002-04:00

This long-awaited continuation of our TV Ate My Dinner Christmas adventure threatens to be equally challenging of the audience's patience. Take a few minutes to meet the Savannah chapter of the TVAMD Adventure Club before Sean embarks on an epic journey to re-discover the treasures of his youth.

CONAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-05-06T17:25:00.002-04:00

The more I see of this movie, the cooler it looks...

Trollhunter

2011-05-06T17:22:00.002-04:00

This looks interesting...

Cool Clips - "Land of Confusion" by Genesis

2011-05-04T19:28:00.002-04:00

One of the greatest music videos ever...

Johnny Drama Award: Reb Brown

2011-05-02T20:35:00.000-04:00

Reb Brown didn't just don spandex and a winged motorcycle helmet in the 1979 Captain America movies, he's been a magnificent cheesehead in lots of movies.

Reb was in the softcore sequel Howling 2 with sybil danning, played Yor, the Hunter from the Future and he starred in Space Mutiny, a 1988 direct to video B movie whose chief claim to fame - besides getting the MST3K treatment - is that they used FX shots from Battlestar Galactica as space stock footage.

Reb also appeared in classic TV shows like CHIPs, the Rockford Files and Fantasy Island.

This list of credits is more than enough to earn you Johnny Drama status, but he'll always have a place in my heart for wearing the stars and stripes. Congratulations, Reb!

Redneck Satyr!

2011-05-02T20:09:00.000-04:00

Redneck Satyr. Favorite Movies: Joe Dirt, Run Ronnie Run, Clash of the Titans. Favorite musicians: Driveby Truckers, Zamfir. Interests include wine and nymphs.

The world is changing and someone needs to stand up. Redneck Satyr is the hero you've been crying out for. Show me where it hurts, world. I'm here to help.

E-mail me at RedneckSatyr@gmail.com!

Captain America: The First Avenger

2011-04-30T13:37:00.000-04:00

I think this looks really good. I'm psyched about the suit. The World War 2 angle is awesome. I'm a little concerned that they're not embracing the Captain America name. The American market has the unnecessary subtitle to associate the character with the upcoming Avengers movie and in some markets abroad it's just called The First Avenger. I'm also not enthusiastic about the fact that it was in re-shoots just 2 months before its release, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm just happy to see Captain America on screen again.

Here are some of his previous film incarnations:

Truth, Justice, and all that other stuff

2011-04-29T08:38:00.000-04:00

Scary Gary brought this article to my attention about Superman renouncing US citizenship. Symbolic gestures go with the territory for a guy who wears a cape and tights, but the "Superman" persona can't actually hold legal citizenship as it is not his legal name. The point they're trying to make is that Superman wants the values and ideals he stands for to be applicable to everyone everywhere. Therefore he must divorce himself from the conception that he is an instrument of the American government.

This is interesting. The idea is that Superman wants to stand for everyone, not just America. But "the American Way" used to be about standing for everyone, so who split from whom? It's a clever idea because it makes the suggestion that maybe America stopped being about the American Way.

It's not anathema to the superhero genre to address political issues. As a stylized art form they are actually in a better position to mirror the world we live in than other media. It's also good for superheroes and their scribes to ground themselves from time to time and analyse their world and through it ours.

Green Lantern and Green Arrow did this back in the 70's and it helped make comics better...

This could also be a good move for Superman when you consider future dystopia stories like "The Dark Knight Returns" that envisioned Superman as the red right hand of a corrupt American government. With this move he's making a statement that the principles he stands for are timeless and not subject to the changing of regimes. In that respect he's actually preserving the American Way, at least the one we all used to be so proud of.

Movie In the Vault: Turkish Batwoman

2011-04-28T21:53:00.000-04:00

While perusing the web world for superheroine posters, I accidentally came across this print (sorry if it's too revealing, but it only has its full impact as shown):

What's more fascinating about this purely prurient Turkish Batwoman movie is how difficult it is to find. I've browsed a bit for clips but apparently even die hard bootleggers have come back from Turkey empty-handed. I'm sure nothing lives up to this poster, but the mystique is only strengthened in the absence of a viewable copy. And this is coming from a guy who foolishly assumed that the Turkish Star Wars was the apex of what they had to offer in the way of bootleg B movies. I'm still on the lookout for this gem but it looks like I might not have any luck with this one.

Insidious

2011-04-16T16:20:00.001-04:00

If you're a fan of old school horror you should go see this movie. I was very reluctant when I discovered it was PG-13, but the TVAMD Twitter followers convinced me to give it a chance.

I won't give it away, but the story is strong and the characters aren't stupid. It has difficulty sustaining but it starts off with a few legitimate scares and gets you invested. In places it's overly ambitious, but it's fun and visually rewarding.

It has all the feel of an older horror movie but has some fun payoff. Having the right people on screen really makes a difference too.

This movie has everything that Paranormal Activity 2 tried to do, but when you don't care about the people it turns out you don't care what happens to their kids. That's something this movie got right where that one failed.

Johnny Drama Award: Terry Kiser

2011-04-10T08:33:00.000-04:00

I don't care what anybody says, "Weekend At Bernie's" is still one of the funniest movies ever. And it's all because of this guy...

Terry Kiser

Besides being the life of the party even though he was dead throughout "Weekend At Bernie's" and its dubious sequel, Kiser was also a staple of 80's movies and TV. He did guest spots on "The Fall Guy", "Magnum P.I." and "Knight Rider". He later played H.G. Wells in more than one episode of "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman".

He's one of those faces you know even if you don't know why, even though he's still most recognizable for his role as a corpse.

Here's the trailer for "Forest Warrior", a Chuck Norris eco-flick about evil loggers. So I guess Chuck's house is made of soy. I'm not sure, but watch close, because I'm pretty sure at 1:09 Chuck punches a chipmunk.

Cool Clips - Hobo with a Gun

2011-04-08T17:32:00.000-04:00

This might also be the coolest movie ever made...

Cool Clips - Blackstar Warrior

2011-04-02T11:46:00.002-04:00

Best. Movie. Ever.

Buried

2011-04-02T07:38:00.000-04:00

Ryan Reynolds does a great job in this movie considering he has very little to work with. And I'm not referring to the "claustrophobic" surroundings that are meant to create the film's tension. I'm talking about the lack of story. The concept of the movie is meant to carry it the whole way, so they don't bother to introduce any element for us to actually care about.

Reynolds wakes up to find himself locked in a coffin and spends the first 10 minutes of the movies grunting and screaming. He then proceeds to call a mindless parade of remarkably useless morons on the world's greatest cell phone (he's calling from a coffin in the ground, remember). Just when you're ready to give up he gets a call from a terrorist demanding a ransom. The story maintains this level of absurdity until the end, where it peaks.

I don't believe any of the characters. Everyone but Reynolds is unforgivably two dimensional, so you can't accept that a world even exists outside that box. The trouble is, if I don't believe the world outside the box then I can't invest anything in what's happening inside it.

I also think the cell phone generation is more enamored of toys than they should be. I understand that this was the device they needed to give him a link to the world, but the tension built around it felt more like the aggravation one feels when trying to connect with tech support than a real crisis situation.

The whole movie's designed to prey on the viewer's personal sensibilities and so we never really develop any empathy for the character. The suspense is contrived and predictable, and sometimes they just do something dumb to break their own boredom. At one point an asp gets into the coffin and Reynolds has to MacGyver it with the contents of his flask and his trusty Zippo (what is he drinking, pure kerosene?)

The tone is also wrong. They're more interested in modeling this movie after torture-victim tragedies like Saw than legitimate character suspense thrillers. They should have watched "Phone Booth" instead. That movie did the same concept, but it actually worked. Or "Closet Land", which was much truer than this idea and disturbingly effective. This movie just felt like overly ambitious filmmakers experimenting with an idea they didn't fully understand.

Movie from the Vault - Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat

2011-03-29T18:44:00.001-04:00

Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat

Another weird one from B-movie auteur Anthony Hickox (who brought us Waxwork, Warlock 2 & Hellraiser 3, amongst other classics), this particularly fun flick is about a repentant Dracula (played by David Carradine) who leads like-minded night creatures to a Ghost Town along with a team of scientists charged with developing a synthetic plasma substitute and SPF 9 million sun block so they can live their lives without hurting anybody.

Oh yeah, it's also a Western. Super hottie Deborah Foreman plays a nymphy bloodsucker who seduces a dopey vampire hunter played by Bruce Campbell. And the bad guy is Rex Manning himself, Maxwell Caulfield.

This one's got it all, folks.

Paranormal Activity 2

2011-03-27T11:39:00.002-04:00

This unnecessary follow-up to Paranormal Activity re-treads the original formula with a weak tie-in and none of the raw suspense. The underlying story in the first film was more plausible and claustrophobic. In this one there's no consistency and no one knows what's going on or why.

The POV device doesn't work as well because they are always conveniently filming themselves for no reason. The characters (all annoying and not remotely credible) seem to forget sometimes that the story is told through POV, since they never really give credence to the tapes when something happens. There is also way more asinine exposition (an hour goes by before anything substantive even happens). The story in the first film was simple and so it worked. This just plays to our sensibilities by putting a baby and a dog in harm's way while doing nothing to advance the story.

This movie tries desperately to weave itself into the framework of its predecessor to the detriment of both. Paranormal Activity 2 uses all the same visual gags as the first, but they happen out of place and absent of story. In the end the camera just starts shaking uncontrollably and the lights go in and out. It makes you nostalgic for the no-budget feel of the first film.

Paranormal Activity 2 illustrates the same lesson we learned from Blair Witch 2: Amateur filmmakers trying to be professional are much more capable than professionals trying to look amateur.

Conan!

2011-03-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

"I have known many gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by the Nemedian skeptics, or Crom's realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer's Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."

Johnny Drama Award: Nicholas Worth

2011-03-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

Johnny Drama's are like pornography: You know them when you see them.

Nicholas Worth is no longer with us, but he was one of those character actors of the 80's who made the movies of that time so fun. After killing Alec Holland and creating the Swamp Thing he drank a poisoned potion and got turned into a midget, then he suffered the wrath of the Darkman after doing pretty much the same thing in that movie. Not sure how he missed out on killing the Crow, but he left that honor to fellow Johnny Drama David Patrick Kelley.

He also did spots on a ton of 80's TV shows like Fantasy Island, Charlie's Angels, and Night Court, so he's definitely a face you'd know.

Cool Clips - Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody

2011-03-06T07:31:00.004-05:00

TVAMD Adventure Club: Weapons Training

2011-02-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

You think we don't take the TVAMD Adventure Club seriously? Check out this awesome action training montage! You can tell I still need some practice, but that's what training's for.

The Dolemite Explosion!

2011-02-27T08:28:00.001-05:00

This was kind of a comeback movie for Rudy Ray Moore, but he died shortly after making it so it ended up being his swan song. They withheld releasing it on DVD, finally putting it out as part of a Dolemite Total Experience box set. It's worth it, considering you get both of the original Dolemite movies, "Disco Godfather" and "Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son in Law".

Rudy Ray Moore was one of the original Blaxploitation heroes back in the 70's. His raunchy stand-up comedy and independent kung fu action movies made him a big hit back in those days, even though he was somewhat overshadowed by more prominent movies of the genre life "Shaft".

But Rudy Ray had a lingering effect on his audiences because of his carefree style of improvisational rap and the imaginative flair of his movies. "The Human Tornado" used fast motion techniques to give the karate fighting more pizazz while in "Petey Wheatstraw" he had magical powers granted to him by Satan himself. In the original "Dolemite" he had an all girl army of kung fu killers at his disposal, which at the very least makes for an awesome poster.

"The Dolemite Explosion" is a welcome return to the same style. Dolemite returns from an extended sabbatical in Africa, where he has discovered a voodoo juice that gives him jedi powers over time and space. He uses these powers mostly to show off, stopping time just to prove a point but relying on stunt doubles to fight his battles for him. If only he'd used a body double for the sex scenes too, but his taste in women and predilection for exposing his bare ass has not diminished in 30 years.

The Godfather of Rap offers up a few new rhymes in this one too, like the final line where he announces: "I have been chosen to survive the explosion!" The abrupt ending may lead you believe that the movie wasn't finished, but that's just his style too.

TVAMD Vidcast: Psychic Strippers

2011-02-19T07:47:00.000-05:00

Sean and Dane channel the spirit of Greg to discuss their latest plan for paranormal adventure: Soliciting the aid of psychic strippers for extreme ghost adventures! Plus we discuss new advancements in clean energy. Just kidding, all we do is talk about psychic strippers.

Kirk vs. Vader

2011-02-02T20:00:00.003-05:00

TVAMD Presents "The C Word, Part 1"

2011-01-29T17:47:00.000-05:00

The release of this segment is in no way a promise to release subsequent episodes in a timely fashion. This story is themed around Christmas, having taken place at Christmastime, so I'll try to have to have all the episodes out by next Christmas. Fair enough?

TVAMD Vidcast: The End is Nigh, Part 2

2011-01-26T19:26:00.001-05:00

Sean, Dane and Greg discuss the ins and outs of the post apocalypse, from the Book of Eli to 2012. And we get around to telling you how an iphone can save your life.

Movie from the Vault: House 2

2011-01-22T15:14:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, long before Indiana Jones dusted off his hat (that he’s had since 1912) to investigate the mystery of the crystal skulls, Arye Gross took a crack at it. Things you can expect from this movie: Arye Gross exhumes his Old West prospector Grampa to find he’s still alive, thanks to the power of the crystal skull he was buried with. But his nemesis, a gunslinger wraith seeking the skull himself, forces the gang to seek the help of John Ratzenberger, an electrician/adventurer who uncovers a portal to another dimension in their basement. After rescuing the skull from a pterodactyl and rescuing an Aztec princess from an evil pagan priest, Arye has a final showdown with the undead cowboy that proves why he was chosen to be the voice of Lando in the Return of the Jedi radio serial.

Johnny Drama Award: David Patrick Kelly

2011-01-20T18:17:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to define the qualities of a real-life Johnny Drama. These hard-working charismatic movie stars never really made it to A-list status, but have given us many a Saturday movie night to remember and are the real heroes of the movie business.

David Patrick Kelly

He’s been killed by most of the greats. Bruce Willis took him down in Last Man Standing, Brandon Lee got him in the Crow, even Dennis Quaid got a piece of him in Dreamscape. He’s my favorite sinister creepy, gracing classics like The Warriors and even got nailed by Andrew Dice Clay in his role as Sam the Sleazebag. He also dies better than your average bad guy. You’re always looking for him to get his, but by the time it happens you kind of feel bad about it. I like this guy, he’s a real actor who kind of fell into the B movie scene.

Surviving the Zombie War: Part 2 - The First 48 Hours

2011-01-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

Most zombie stories are about the initial outbreak and are good cautionary tales about the first 48. Most people will not survive the first 48 hours of the outbreak. First off, you won’t know it’s happening for the first couple of hours, which will eat up critical response opportunities. Add to that the initial denial due to normalcy bias and some early rookie mistakes like crashing your car into a telephone pole or boarding yourself up in a farmhouse and you’ve lost four hours of good travel time. Meanwhile the zombie threat is spreading exponentially.

In the first 4 hours, there will be dozens of zombies in your area. That’s when you’ll probably start understanding the scope of the problem.

By the end of the first 24 hours there will be hundreds, which is why people who board themselves up on the first day aren’t able to run by the second.

By the end of the first 48 hours there will be thousands of zombies in a well-populated area, because by then 50% or more of the population will have been turned. Another 30% of the population will probably be dead, because the purpose of zombie attacks is not infection, but predation. That will leave the zombie population ravenous and enraged, with a swiftly diminishing food supply.

By the time they run out of food they will be in large enough numbers to successfully lay siege to any fortification and wipe out anyone still living in it. Critical mistakes in the first 4 hours of the outbreak lead to most people not surviving the first 48 hours. Your best bet is to get out of the area while there are still other people around for the zombies to eat.

First 48 Filmography:

Night of the Living Dead: Classic negative example. Not understanding the nature of the threat, they all hole up in the same farmhouse and practically end up killing each other before the zombies even get to them. Rookie mistake.
Dawn of the Dead (original and remake): They try to fortify a mall, which is one of the least defensible places on the planet. Death wish.
Return of the Living Dead: Hoping to be rescued, they call for help and the military nukes the town. Points for understanding the scope of the problem, but getting out of town would have been better.
Resident Evil: Realizing that they’ve released the zombie plague into their lab, they seal the building off and try to kill everyone in it. Good effort, Umbrella Corporation, but containment is always impossible.
House of the Dead: 24 hour party people get into a gun shipment and go John Woo on the lumbering dead, but eventually they get surrounded and have to hole up in a mausoleum. Making a stand never ends well; eventually you’re just going to end up in a zombie pirate sword fight. Might sound like fun, but it’s actually just really really stupid.

Cool Clips - Cats in Zero Gravity

2011-01-18T18:55:00.001-05:00

Tracy brought us this fine example of our tax dollars at work...

The Cape: NBC's Latest Superhero

2011-01-16T15:03:00.002-05:00

NBC has had a long-running love/hate relationship with the scifi and superhero genres. They dumped their "it came from the deep" invasion series "Surface" (which was actually on its way to being good) to put forward "Heroes", a really promising idea for a superhero series that never quite got the point. Their effort to revive "the Bionic Woman" died as quickly as the time travel series "Journeyman". Their recent roster is as littered with single season genre failures as the average Friday night lineup on Fox, but they keep trying.

The current trend toward dark and gritty scifi, brought on by the success of moody mysteries like "Lost", has spawned halfway hybrids like "Persons Unknown" and "The Event", which cosmetically employ scifi elements but are more closely derived from conspiracy thrillers like "24". "The Event" even promotes itself as a cross between "Lost" and "24", which is obviously what the creators intended.

But getting back to "Heroes": This show's the one that represent the problem fully. It was stylish and cool, but in its effort to reinvent the superhero genre it managed to invalidate everything the genre was created to uphold. The characters were dark and conflicted, flawed to the point where they flip-flopped constantly between good and evil, ultimately failing to stand for any principles at all, even friendship and family. The stories were convoluted soap opera serials that bent the characters to fit the plot from week to week until no one knew or cared what was going on. So after a record-breaking 4 seasons, "Heroes" disappeared from the NBC roster too.

Which brings us to "The Cape". This show offers nothing new or original to comic books or television, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's set in the comic-themed Palm City, which is terrorized by a masked madman called Chess (who is also a billionaire businessman privatizing the police force like the OCP corporation did in Robocop). Our hero Faraday is a cop framed by Chess and forced to let the world believe he's killed. Afterwards he is taken in by the Carnival of Crime, a circus who make their living as bank robbers for about 10 minutes until their ringleader (played by Keith David) decides instead to train Faraday in all the arts of escapism and illusion.

This is just one in a string of lucky coincidences that conspire to create Faraday's superhero identity, but that is itself an accepted part of the genre, so it's forgiven. The persona of the Cape already exists as the comic book hero of Faraday's son, so when he starts his training his new instructor just happens to have an indestructible super-cape he can wear to serve that purpose.

Faraday is also in contact with a mysterious all-knowing computer hacker called Orwell, who puts him in harm's way while feeding him information about his enemies. Orwell turns out to be scifi series refugee Summer Glau, who has herself been a regular on no less than three failed genre shows, all of which met an untimely death on Fox.

So Faraday is taught to be a master magician and escapist, dons his super-cape and sets out to defeat Chess and restore liberty to Palm City.

"The Cape" is simply a retread of comic book conventions recycled into the TV format. The Cape is about as generic a moniker as you could come up with for a superhero. Orwell is obviously based in some way on the DC character Oracle, who is also a hot chick computer hacker who knows everything. And all the villains have simple nicknames like Scales or Tarot; a rogue's gallery more suited to Dick Tracy than a modern superhero. But is that all bad? I think a back to basics approach may be just what we need. So many people have tried to reinvent the wheel in the superhero genre that no one's just telling stories. Superheroes don't have to be re-packaged for the modern audience, they just have to be well-written. There's a reason you don't reinvent the wheel: The wheel works.

"The Cape" is fun and well told, and it's populated with good actors. This is a series that could really work if it has a chance to catch on. Maybe it will.

Surviving the Zombie War: Part One - The Combatants

2011-01-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

What is the Zombie War?

This term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier. And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

Combatants

Zombies. Not only are they the top contender, but they will probably represent a majority of the population in a very short period of time. In fact, by the time you realize the severity of the zombie threat, there will most likely be more of them than us.
Survivors. Hopefully you fall into this category, because that’s who this is written for. Survivors are simply those dispossessed humans trying to find someplace they can go to be safe.
Marauders. There are scavengers drawn to every disaster. While decent people will be trying to survive the apocalypse, looters will be picking through the rubble for some way to profit from it. When there’s nothing left to loot, they’ll quickly evolve into gangs of bandits and thieves. This is the Mad Max syndrome. Some people were never fit for a civilized world anyway, and they’ll instantly embrace the lawlessness of the Necrocracy.
Crazies. Hell on Earth has a tendency to eat at people, in this case literally. Some survivors are likely to be so traumatized that they’ll be holed up somewhere waiting for someone to set them off. Don’t be the one to do it.
New World Order. When society collapses, some people will adapt to anarchy while others hold to the mores enforced by the previous administration. Some will jump at the chance to improve on the model, however, and suddenly you’ll start running into self-appointed militia men and citizen soldiers who expect you to follow the law of the land because their guns are bigger than yours. Or worse yet, they’ll want to recruit you.

TVAMD Vidcast: The End is Nigh, Part 1

2011-01-15T11:49:00.000-05:00

Sean, Dane and Greg consider the coming apocalypse with retro reviews of The Book of Eli, 2012 and Waterworld. They also tell you how having an iPhone can save your life.

Cool Clips - The Philip DeFranco Show

2011-01-15T10:54:00.000-05:00

You can catch this guy all over YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. I think he's really funny and I wish I could put out as much content as he does.

Movie from the Vault: Bad Moon

2011-01-10T18:39:00.001-05:00

Two things I love in this world: Bad werewolf movies and bad Michael Pare' movies. This one, my friends, is both! This is a must see for B movie enthusiasts, not because it's overtly bad or anything. Mostly because, as bad werewolf movies go, this one's okay. I hate how monster movies always kill the dog off, but this is the only one I know of where the dog is actually the hero.

Johnny Drama Award: Wings Hauser

2011-01-08T16:32:00.002-05:00

Wings Hauser

Like many Johnny Drama’s, Wings was a staple of 80’s TV, guest-starring in Baretta, The Fall Guy, The A-Team, Magnum P.I., Hunter, Airwolf, Space Rangers and Freddy’s Nightmares. But he’s been in tons of movies, always standing out with that dramatic flare that seemed to die out in the 80’s. Whenever they make a retro flick like Original Gangsters or Tales from the Hood they always bring in Wings, but he had a hand in the crap horror franchise Watchers (he was in Watchers III, which is strangely the only one I haven’t seen). But I’ll always remember him best for his role as Arklon in Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of time.

TV Ate My Dinner: The Baldwin Challenge, Part 2

2011-01-06T16:16:00.000-05:00

Sean, Dane and Greg return to continue a pointless discussion regarding a rumor they heard a year ago about whether Alec Baldwin was planning to retire. Another nail-biter from the folks at TV Ate My Dinner...

TV Ate My Dinner: The Baldwin Challenge, Part 1

2011-01-01T10:50:00.000-05:00

We recorded this a while ago, so Mr. Baldwin is probably past his retirement crisis, but all the same Sean, Dane and Greg take a whack at his career woes. Is his concern about his leading man roles valid or is he an accomplished character actor with nothing to be ashamed of?

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T13:56:00.000-05:00

Drink a lot but don't drive at all, have fun, be safe, and enjoy for just a moment the idea that next year life will be different, you'll be better and all things will become possible.

Movie From the Vault - Star Crash

2010-12-30T19:25:00.001-05:00

The Emperor of Space sends a ship on a mission to a dark region of space called the Haunted Stars to destroy the home planet of the evil Count Zarth Arn. As they approach the planet, the ship is attacked by "red monsters" that look suspiciously like the inside of a lava lamp.

They recruit Stella Star (played by B-Queen Caroline Munro) to locate the crashed ship, which had the Emperor's son on board. Most of the movie takes place in various cardboard cutout garage sets that are smaller than my living room, cut apart by spectacularly boring space battles that make no sense at all. The search for the crashed ship does take our heroes to a series of different locales that pass for alien planets. The first is a beach where they are immediately captured by amazons on horseback and attacked by a giant tin statue.

Next they travel to a snow planet where the temperature drops "thousands of degrees" after sundown, so Stella is forced to cover herself with spandex. The final stop is the Phantom Planet of Count Zarth, where Stella is beset upon by vicious cavemen who destroy her cowboy robot companion and capture her. She is rescued from the troglodytes by a mysterious stranger in a ridiculous helmet who blasts them with laser eye beams until they run away. He unmasks to reveal himself as David Hasselhof, and we come to learn that he is of course the Emperor's missing son.

They make their way to the secret generators of the lava lamp space monsters only to be captured by Zarth and his men. Zarth's plan is to draw the Emperor to the Phantom Planet with the promise of returning his son, then blow it up with everyone on it. Zarth leaves them to be guarded by duck-billed robots with pirate cutlasses, and a clunky awkward stop-motion matte on live action footage laser swordfight ensues.

The Emperor arrives with only a moment before the countdown concludes, and, in the movie's finest moment, commands his battleship to "halt the flow of time" to secure their escape.

After that there's an unbelievably long and repetitive space battle where they essentially fire torpedoes full of soldiers through the windows of Zarth's space fortress (his fortress in space, folks) to invade it.

The Emperor (have I mentioned he's played by Christopher Plummer?) takes a moment to render a final monologue to the camera about how evil has been temporarily defeated, and the curtain falls on what's probably the most ambitiously terrible piece of crap I've ever seen.

Johnny Drama Award: Jeffrey Meek

2010-12-29T17:30:00.004-05:00

It's hard to define the qualities of a real-life Johnny Drama. These hard-working charismatic movie stars never really made it to A-list status, but have given us many a Saturday movie night to remember and are the real heroes of the movie business.

You may not remember Jeffrey Meek from the Remo Williams TV pilot that only aired once (co-starring with Roddy McDowell as Chiun), but you’d probably recognize him if you saw him. He’s done Miami Vice, The Pretender, Profiler, Law & Order and who could forget his portrayal of Vlad the Impaler on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys?

Perhaps best known for the Raven TV movie and subsequent short-lived TV series, he also starred in the single season Mortal Kombat TV series as both Rayden and Shao Khan. He’s doing soaps these days, but he’s got a couple of episodes of Charmed under his belt. And, like Johnny Drama, he’s done a couple of episodes of Pacific Blue. So congratulations, Jeffrey Meek, you’re a real-life Johnny Drama!

Cool Clips - How It Should Have Ended

2010-12-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

Check out www.howitshouldhaveended.com for some of the funniest spoofs on the internet. Their Superman short is the funniest, but they're all really good. In the spirit of Tron 2, here's a rap tribute they made to the original.

Johnny Drama Award: Dieter Laser

2010-12-27T19:27:00.000-05:00

Can you give out a Johnny Drama Award on the basis of a single performance? How about simply on the basis of an awesome name? Well, either way, I recommend German creepy guy Dieter Laser, who is the evil mastermind behind the Human Centipede. That movie is about as weird and unsettling as they come and everything Daniel Tosh said it would be.

Dolph Lundgren Breaking News

2010-12-27T18:50:00.003-05:00

According to Dolphlundgren.com, Dolph is currently shooting a sequel to "In the Name of the King" where he will play a special forces commando who travels back in time to the dark ages. Sounds pretty awesome...

People to Watch - Alexi Wasser

2010-12-26T16:11:00.000-05:00

I've been watching her shorts on YouTube and she has a blog at http://imboycrazy.com/. Cheeky, irreverent and sometimes a little explicit, so the content's not for everyone. But I think she's adorable.

Saw her in Cabin Fever 2 (which is awful, by the way). Took me forever to figure out why I recognized her because IMDB doesn't list commercial credits, but she's this girl...

Check out the all new Dark Crazy Store!

2010-12-25T18:44:00.000-05:00

With the re-launch of the Dark Crazy site comes the re-launch of the Dark Crazy Store! Check it out to buy Dark Crazy Publications, TV Ate My Dinner Products and Apparel, and a never-ending collection of pop culture designs to feed your inner geek!

TVAMD Apps!

2010-12-23T17:10:00.002-05:00

Apparently we have apps. I'm not sure what these are or what they do, but if any of you know what an app is drop me a line and let me know. Seems there may be a profit in it.

A more coherent promotion of our apps may be forthcoming...

ADCM Campaign Mode Almost Ready to Launch!

2010-12-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

Evil Robot Logic's debut game, Asteroids Do Concern Me, is upgrading with a new campaign mode that doesn't just feature the voice of Sir St. John during the intro, but it will feature a story narration throughout the gameplay as well. We already recorded the VO, so hopefully the campaign mode will be available before Christmas.

Asteroids Do Concern Me

2010-12-20T12:18:00.001-05:00

Evil Robot Logic Presents... Asteroids Do Concern Me! Sir St. John C. O' Herlihy narrates this high octane adventure through an Asteroid field of death! It's available now through XBox Online!